a reflection of my 2023.

In my junior year of high school, I wrote a paper about flying in a plane. I mean, it wasn't about flying in the plane, but instead the view outside my window. From my blue Delta seat, I looked out over the clouds and felt a swelling in my chest. I think I’ve mentioned that kind of feeling before in previous blog posts, but if either I didn’t write it or you didn’t read it, I’ll try to explain it a bit.  I think it’s a similar feeling to pride for someone else, or major excitement about something big. I felt it again tonight, as I was writing a reflection for my internship supervisor from this past semester. 

I’ve been living in a pocket of reflection since being home, but more so in the past couple days as the new year approaches. By the time I publish this, it might already be 2024. In the last few days of 2021, I had screenshotted questions off a YouTuber’s Instagram story. Coincidentally, this YouTuber was one of the major reasons that I first made plans to live in Paris or study there. In true me-fashion, I just went back and rewatched her travel videos to imagine my future instead of sitting down and looking at my reality, my past. I don’t think I’ve actually journaled reflections for my past year in a long time. I mean like at the end of each December, I shift my attention to something or someone else and don’t take that valuable time to ask the real questions. I realized that yesterday when I was feeling very unfulfilled with the lack of journaling I’ve been doing. Usually, I don’t feel too bad about not journaling because I usually just write what I’m thinking into a blog post. But obviously I haven’t been doing that. 

So while Pretty Little Liars played in the background, I went searching through my camera roll for the screenshots of this questions. I knew that I wouldn’t have deleted them because I have this little thing where I will screenshot something and hold onto it forever because it might come in handy one day. This time, I was right! I wrote these questions down in my journal yesterday, but haven’t responded to them yet. So why not do it now? And then post it to the internet, of course. 

The questions (from Elena Taber’s Instagram account at the end of 2021; altered slightly):

What is the biggest lesson you learned in 2023?

Favorite moment of 2023?

What became more important to you this year? 

What became less important to you this year?

What was the most influential book you read this year?

In 2023 were a chapter in the book of your life, what’s the title?

What are you most proud of this year?

What one word would you use to describe 2023?

What word do you want to define your 2024?

I didn’t realize how many questions there were until I just typed them, wow. In a journal it looks so different. On my laptop screen it almost seems sterile, like they’re questions on the paperwork you have to fill out at the doctor’s office. They may look that way, but I have a feeling that once I start writing it’s going to feel more like a psychologist’s office than a general practitioner’s. Well, here goes answering them…

What is the biggest lesson you learned in 2023?

Sometimes you just have to take a breath, pull yourself together, and get your crap done. Maybe call your mom sometime during.

Favorite moment of 2023?

I don’t think I can answer this one with a specific memory. Can I generalize and say any time I felt at peace with my friends? Or maybe watching the Eiffel Tower sparkle from my favorite bridge on the Seine. Both are pretty darn good. 

What became more important to you this year? 

My relationships. I’ve worked a lot this year to strengthen the ones I have, whether it be with my family, friends, or God. Heck, even Wanda (my dog). I’ve been realizing that life truly is so short and can be gone at any second, and that realization kind of pushed relationships to the top of my values/priorities list. I can’t say that I’ve been stellar in any of these categories, but I’ve gained some awareness of their impacts on my life. 

What became less important to you this year?

Pass.

What was the most influential book you read this year?

Oh. My. Gosh. I will scream this from the mountain tops:

A Life of Her Own: A Country-Woman in 20th Century France by Emilie Carles. 

I read this book for a class, actually, but it ended up being one of the best books I’ve read in a long time. It’s a autobiographical memoir about Emilie Carles, born in 1900, who was born into a peasant farming family in rural France but ended up fighting for her education, taking care of those she loves, and standing up for all. It’s a story of insane strength and determination, and gave me both a lot of anxiety and a lot of inspiration for moving forward with my career goal of being a teacher. If there is one autobiography you ever read, please let it be this one. 

Also—Carles published this at 77. It was nearly impossible at the time for a woman of this background to be able to publish a memoir about her own life. She was incredibly badass.

In 2023 were a chapter in the book of your life, what’s the title?

Started from the bottom now we here.

Kidding.

No but I actually can’t think of anything. And (I’m half-ashamed to admit this) Google is being no help right now. Can I just call it chapter 23? Or 20, for my age?

What are you most proud of this year?

My growth. I’ve become more independent than I knew I could be. Like, I literally lived in a foreign country for three months. That’s actually crazy to think about as I write this from the little desk in my bedroom at home. I just feel like there was a point in February that I thought I could only keep growing, afraid that I would plateau. I was learning so much about myself and realizing a new type of freedom and independence within myself. I genuinely thought that I had hit my limit of growth for the year, kind of like how a goldfish can only grow as big as its tank allows it. I thought my tank would stay the same size for the rest of the year. I think I grew in small spurts—they always say growth isn’t linear and my 2023 kinda proves that to me. These small little growth spurts continued until my tank increased to the size of Dale Hollow Lake, the Atlantic Ocean, and the Seine River combined. I’d say that gave me a big more room for growth. I mentioned independence early in this paragraph, but now I’m thinking that that’s only a fraction of what changed in my this year. 

What one word would you use to describe 2023?

Rollercoaster. Specifically one that I had never been on before, always blind to the next turn or loop-de-loop. I know this is more than one word, but I feel like I need to expand a bit. 

I like rollercoasters. Sometimes, though, I remember I’m my mother’s daughter and I get uncomfortably nauseous at some points. (Literally, though, when we were ticketed by the RATP and 180 euros came out of my bank account I remember being so nauseous that I felt like I was turning green.) But. But! Here comes the but. The nauseous moments were far and few between, thankfully. I’d say that this was the best year of my life, bad moments included. In retrospect, I think that I enjoyed more than 96% of my year. That might seem like a lot, but it genuinely was. I stuck with my friends and they stuck with me, I traveled to new places, I put on my deep-reflective-philosopher-cap (kinda kidding) more,  I began to take more responsibility for the things I needed to, and some things I didn’t. 

What word do you want to define your 2024?

Accomplish. 

I write about these things with two feelings--one remaining constant and one going in and out. The one that keeps going in and out is the feeling I started this post with. As I write about my year, I think of the things that remain unwritten that make me feel overwhelming emotion. I feel pride, happiness, sadness, fear. These emotions or feelings that we associate with negativity, like sadness or fear, somehow create a different feeling for me now, after the fact. Instead of wishing them away or repressing them, it feels good to know that I experienced them and I learned to handle them. As for pride, I know that this isn't a "good" word. We often associate it with someone who has too much, which then turns into something like arrogance. But this year I've learned to be proud of my friends and myself for the things we've accomplished. And happiness. Do I even need to explain that one?

Okay, but going back to those two feelings. The one that remains pretty constant is that I can say these things with confidence. I used to struggle a lot with being passive and not acknowledging what I have done. It used to just be a list of things that I could do better on, or simply ignoring things of the past and just focusing on moving forward. I mean, I still put a lot of focus on moving forward, but I've also shifted a lot of my mindset this year to stopping and thinking. I've been pushed my family, friends, and professors, and somehow I never cracked. This year I was able to find the balance, which is something I find a bit strange after knowing the way I've been since I was 15. Even a year ago, I wouldn't have been able to so freely speak on my life the way I do.

I know that this blog was a bit long, as well as a bit different than what I've been posting (AKA nothing). I think I'm trying to find time in my life to give my blog the time it deserves, which you would think I'd have plenty of being home. However, being home has set my brain on no-writing mode. I know I posted a short, crappy, unedited post a couple weeks ago, but this post took a bit more thoughtfulness. Don't get me wrong, though, I probably won't edit this one either. As I move into the new year and try to imagine the direction this blog will go, I am trying to assess my boundaries as a writer, especially as one that works, is pursuing her education, and is posting directly to the internet.

Thank you, as always, for reading. We've made it six months, which I don't think I expected when I first designed the website in June. But here we are! Thank you if you've been reading since I wrote about being home for the summer, or if you picked up somewhere in the Paris Diaries, or if this is the first post you're reading. I appreciate you deeply!

Happy New Year!

Molly

P.S. the featured image is of the Appalachian Mountains in Eastern Kentucky. Quite possibly the most sky I'd seen since being in an airplane. Magical.